1.00pm - Murder Mystery Introduction
WHAT HAPPENED TO STUD MUFFIN?
....the story so far…..
It was a cold wet and windy day in SEPTEMBER 2017, the elements were against the competitors but it is a well known fact that against all odds the Hobby Horse fraternity will always turn out for a competition. Horses and riders all performed spectacularly and gave their all.
The crowd were astonished and amazed by the performances and it was a close run contest. When Stud Muffin appeared after an injury induced break everyone was impressed with his outstanding performance. – but suddenly something appeared untoward, he staggered, he fell and a sheepskin jacketed PORK PIE hatted man approached with a gun and….
There was no time for green screens and chemical analysis……. The poor unfortunate beast was dispatched with unseemly haste.
Everyone was left with the question in their minds…… WHAT HAPPENED TO STUD MUFFIN?
IT'S A MURDER MYSTERY in a small village
RONALD T. RUMPSLINGER
I am 40 years old and anyone who says differently is spreading fake news. My hair used to be lustrous chestnut until this whole wretched affair of the murder of my beloved Muffin by that butcher Veterinarian (or so he claims) JEREMIAH JABBER. I am from New England (this is why my accent will not be familiar to you all) though I tend to move around at the moment. I made my huge fortune from the dog food and burger business – hence my appreciation of bloodstock and cheap meat.
Muffin was my all – I missed the opportunity to buy Shergar – I had no idea he had been kidnapped – I just wanted to be the first with BIG SHERG & FRIES.
We are glue in the end – Muffin he cam to me a little lame and I thought he weighed in at 250 tins of best quality mutt food. But he had such sad eyes. The fake vet was in the slaughter house and in a rare moment of competence diagnosed correctly and the rest is racing history. I gave Muffin to my lovely wife as a gift but little did I know of her connivances. When Muffin went missing from the stud – I suspected the worst. The shamrock and bottle of Guinness didn’t put me off for one minute. I know by now that the shyster vet and my wife were up to no good – but not for one second did I think they would debase themselves to commit equicide.
Now all I want is the TRUTH and for that low life to suffer as I have. Bring on your famous British Justice & Sense of Fair Play
CHERRY BRANDY RUMPSLINGER
I was brought up in a traditional English manner.
I am the wife of Ronald T Rumpslinger. I had plans for my future, don't we all! I once had dreams of fame and fortune. Understanding the relationship between power, money and freedom took me to strange decisions.
I married twice - once for love, secondly for wealth. I can see now that I am duplicitous - forgive me. Doctor Jeremiah Jabber was my first real commitment. He remains a good friend. Ronald knew nothing about the first marriage
I have learnt that wealth cares little for integrity. It's about ownership plain and simple - be it horse or wife. I realize also that my character is flawed – sorry. I am deeply embarrassed by Ronald and his horses. Ronald could be Trumps brother he is so vulgar. He is only interested in monetary return however gained. I want to escape this chaos for a new life.
I start to fly in my imagination!!!!!
Baron D’Avantage is my third husband. I am second cousin (recently) removed from the Drax Estate. I am a lifelong, blue-blooded politician therefore you can trust me implicitly. I am firm and stable.
Flattering though they are, rumours that I am the love child of John Major and Edwina Currie are entirely spurious. I entered politics to show the gals at Greenham Common how proper ladies should deport themselves in public life.
Ever since, I have worked tirelessly on numerous projects, some of which it is true have been temporarily shelved, such as flotation of Hattie Brown’s Brewery on the London Stock Exchange and the tarmacking of the Poole Estuary for the long stay car park associated with the Bournemouth Terminal 2 Airport at Brownsea Island.
Stud Muffin’s stable is located on a prime potential fracking site so his disappearance is quite serendipitous as far as I am concerned, as fracking will boost the local economy, bringing with it to the area jobs, prosperity and joy blah blah blah……… it is pure coincidence that Baron D’Avantage is the majority shareholder in Backhander PLC, which owns the land beneath the stables
SIDNEY “STICKY” “FINGERS” MOSELEY
The 9th son of Romany Gypsies, Sidney Oswald Moseley was born suddenly on the 1st April 1969 under a fish counter in Birmingham’s Bullring market.
Believing the ‘grass’ to be greener, Sid moved South following a brief spell at Her Majesties Pleasure in HMP Winston Green, released early for turning Queens Evidence.
Sid a man of few words was allegedly rendered mute in a gangland revenge attack shortly after his release.
Sid is now a successful business man with his fingers in many pies, his commercial portfolio includes ‘The Hoof & Bone’ Glue Factory, ‘The Sleeping Beauty Equine Retirement Home and The Sticky Pie Co. who coincidentally supply pasties to The Square and Compass.
“DOCTOR” JEREMIAH JABBER
Contrary to received wisdom - i.e that I received my veterinary qualifications by email from a lesser-known college in downtown Lagos - after replying to an unsolicited spam message, I wish it to be known that I did actually do my training here in the UK, after winning the Bernard Matthews ‘Turkey of Tomorrow’ prize and scholarship to Scunthorpe Polytechnic back in 1989.
Muffin was always my favourite project. Yes, it’s true that the diet of steroids that I advised should be added to her oats to improve her performance, may have given the impression that I was uncaring for her long-term happiness well being. However, I know that Muffin needed that extra boost to achieve her potential, both on the field - and in the stables - especially with her owner when he got lonely, so my conscience is clear. I should add that on inspection, her equine form always presented as pristine, despite her owner’s rumoured predilections.
Muffin’s disappearance has caused me much soul-searching and heartache. To think that someone I know personally may be responsible for her abduction and reduction - possibly to pound-shop household glue, makes me seethe and gnash my teeth late into the night. As her personal vet, I feel justice must be served. Therefore I’m prepared to do anything - to anyone - even if it means selling my so-called friends down the river - if necessary - to get to the bottom of this dark and quite ghastly mystery...
ALEXANDER WALLIS THE THIRD III
Let’s just get this straight, I’m in it for the money.
I don’t give a damn about the sport, all I care about it getting that 1st place prize money.
Don t get me wrong I’m bloody good, better than all these losers I have to hang around with on the hobby horse circuit. I’m just waiting for my first album to drop, it’s been three years in the making and did I mention that the Gallagher brothers are producing it.
Yes I had to do a little stretch away from the sport, like most super stars I got mixed up in the fame. But I’m back now and after a disappointing 4th place last year I’m ready to regain the number one spot and grab that prize money (turns out the Gallaghers are quite expensive, and hard to get hold of.... must just be really busy with the album). I will go to great lengths to be Number One.
Hola! I am Cynthia Whiplash (Seeeeenthia!) and I love my Stud Muffin horse like I love my dog but this doesn’t mean I want to feed him to my dog, although I love my dog very much too.
When Linda Lovelace ask me to train this beast, I gave him my all including my special hands-on training technique and look how he shines, a glowing machine of an animal.
Yes, in addition to my horse farms in South America, I do have a beef business, but I am careful never to mix my beasts. One you can ride, the other…...very bad idea, but you can always give it a go if you want to feel truly alive and not very well at the same time. A bit like drinking tequila, no?
So, you think I have killed Stud Muffin for insurance! I am deeply distressed that you would think such a thing. He is alive and kicking although a little more confused than he was last year as he moved from working for the Cartel (his mother ‘Easily Led’ send him there for work experience) and into the adult entertainment industry (encouraged by his father ‘Maximus Felius’). Last year he was carrying a golf ball, and this year he is sporting a special orange gimpy one. See how he shines. Steady Muffy!
Neigh, never! This horse is alive! He is no dog food, pasty, or patsy. He is the one and only Stud Muffin.
FRANKIE FURLONG SENIOR
I made this sport what it is today. I was the best in the business, the one to beat.
The men wanted to be me and the women wanted to be with me. Since the accident the most exciting time of my week is a sponge bath.
My magnificent seven Hobby Horse winners at Ascot on that heady day back in 2016 left the bookies in tears. Little did I know that an accident in training in the run up to Hobby Horse 2017 would leave me a broken man, fame, career, money, all gone.
‘Accident’ ………they all called it an ‘accident’ but I know the truth, I could see it in Lord Robbie’s eyes. I think it was jealousy, the only way that I could be stopped. Now all I have is anger and a twisted desire for revenge. I will get my justice one day, some how.
DETECTIVE CHIEF INSPECTOR LIV ALIDL
Hey, yeh – so I’m wearing a big jumper in a heat wave. Get over it. I’m Scandie, OK? I rarely warm up.
I’m a functioning depressive alcoholic single mother with great wallpaper and a flair for interior design. I’m severely unimpressed. I have issues. I also have desirable bed linen but I sleep alone.
Roll me a joint, butter me a Ryvita and I’ll give your little mystery some thought, ok?
So what if my brother Yern supplies meatballs to Ikea?
Get over it and let me get on with my job. Bastards.
DETECTIVE CHIEF INSPECTOR JAMES O’MURPHY
O’Murphy was raised by a pack Bloodhounds on the Dublin Docks.
He considers himself indebted to the Bloodhounds for his extraordinary sense of smell and his persistence. In fact he can be dogged - he once tracked the aging but fearsome thief the ‘Codger of Cork’ across the Atlantic in a colander.
When he finally washed up on the east coast of the USA, O’Murphy tracked the Codger west to Hollywood where had a brief but moderately glitzy spell playing sleuths in the movies. On his not quite household name, he founded the reasonably well-known O’Murphy Detective Agency. He remains its sole detective.
Other achievements include singlehandedly smashing the notorious crime ring, the Dublin Doughnuts.
His name was brought into disrepute following the Shergar debacle and now considering himself something of an equine specialist he is DETERMINED to get to the bottom of WHAT HAPPENED TO STUD MUFFIN? and CRAIC the case………
“‘ALLO, ‘ALLO, ‘ALLO.
looks like a black and white case to me……”
It’s a fair cop Guv, you’re nicked, say no more, your lovable local bobby is here to help if you have any questions or are confused or befuddled.
Working undercover in the dog food industry for many years, our intrepid Canine has doggedly sniffed out dodgy dealers in the trade, being specially trained to detect the merest whiff of illegal ingredients in pies and pastie being served to the unsuspecting public.
You think she is staring at a stick or chasing a stone? Think again. She is WATCHING YOU and what you are eating and AT GREAT PERSONAL RISK will sample as many suspect pasties as possible.
Although only posing as faithful pet to Frankie Furlong, she has formed a special bond with him so be on your guard, as she may be tempted to tamper with the evidence to clear him of the crime - in other words she may eat all the pies!